Rock of Love II-Week 3

Ok, let me start off by saying that in the previous post I forgot to include Jessica as one of the contestants that made the cut, which was because she's a total wallflower and just blends in with the furniture. She's not a true threat yet, so no big deal.

Anyway, this week started simply with the girls having to go through a little test. The test? To make sure that Bret's "baby" doesn't get hurt. You see, Bret's baby is a plastic doll dressed in a bandanna and one of his patented cowboy hats. The challenge is to do three laps around this roller rink with the baby in a stroller, while you have the Los Angeles roller girls chasing you along with...Lacy Collins. You know, Lacy from the first season: the total bitch that was a psycho that made up everything as she went along in the house day by day trying to kill Jes then Heather. The women have to protect the baby and nearby is a "doctor" (Doctor is actually anything but) who hooks the baby up to a machine which can tell him how much damage the doll had done to it.

So the first team is the Pink team, who was Catherine (guh), Daisy, Destiney and Megan. They make Catherine the stroller pusher at first, since she has kids and apparently this makes her more nurturing of a plastic children's toy that is being chased by crazy bull dykes. No one on the team can skate at all, and they're only given a 5 second head start from the pro skaters, so that combination just screams "Death". As all of the pink team goes flailing to the ground, the roller girls just DESTROY the baby, kicking it and throwing the stroller, which Lacy coming out of no where to start PUNCHING THE BABY IN THE HEAD REPEATEDLY. The results will be revealed after I give the description of the other teams.

The Red team consists of Roxy, Jessica, Ambre and Peyton. Peyton pushes the stroller, and she's not that bad as a skater, but yet again none of the other girls can skate. A little into lap two, the pros catch up to Peyton and one of them rips the doll's arm off. After that event on the baby, really no more damage has taken place, but still the baby is sans a limb. Finally team Blue comes up, who are Inna, Kristy Joe, Angelique and Aubrey. Kristy Joe is the stroller pusher, who apparently does that all the time with her kids (She has kids?!) and absolutely dominates the event. Their strategy was to actually have the other three flop down and try to stop the pros and Lacy, which works quite well until RIGHT before the end of the challenge, when one of the pros catches Kristy Joe and kicks the stroller and nearly give Kristy Joe a concussion.

In the end, the "doctor" concluded that if the baby was real, Pink Team's baby would have died, Red Team's would have serious issues (Really? The lost limb wasn't evident enough?) and Team Blue's would be fine after about 4-5 years of both physical and mental therapy. Blue team wins, with Kristy Joe being named the MVP, and Inna, Angelique and Aubrey go out on a date with Bret with Kristy Joe getting her own private date the next day. Later on after the challenge, Kristy Joe joked around with Destiney and Daisy that it was Catherine's fault that they lost because Catherine wasn't a good skater, and they naturally turn it into some big deal saying that Kristy is talking shit about everyone. All those that are in the house turn on Kristy Joe, saying that she's ugly and doesn't belong there and should just go home.

While the drama goes on in the house, Inna, Angelique and Aubrey go on their date with Bret to the Fourty Duex burlesque bar. Somehow another challenge breaks out, with all the girls having to dance for Bret. Inna is first, and although she can't dance for shit she looks sexy as fuck. Aubrey was the opposite, dancing fantastically but with no sex appeal. Angelique...is a train wreck. She can't grasp the fact that during a burlesque show, the woman does NOT get naked. She takes off all of her clothes and looks horrible doing so, and all four of them get kicked out.

Kristy Joe was allowed to pick what their date was going to be, and she chose a quiet barbecue dinner, which she cooked, at the house. Here, two bombshells happen: First, Kristy Joe forgot to tell the producers that she is still TECHNICALLY MARRIED! I don't know how she got into the show without the producers finding this out, but she's apparently just in the process of getting divorced from her first husband. So while Bret recovers from this, Destiney walks over to table and hands to Bret her VIP pass, which gives her the opportunity to have 10 minutes alone with Bret whenever she feels like it, and Kristy Joe just has to walk away from her date. After Destiney and Bret are done making out, Kristy comes back and tries to have a conversation with Bret. Right after they start talking again, Daisy tries to pull the same crap Destiney did. Bret makes it very clear he's not having it, and tells Daisy to scram. Bret talks to Kristy and understands that the girls now see her as a threat.

-Kristy Joe seems at some points like she's a shoo-in for the winner spot, but the commercials for next week make it look like she's done. She's crying during elimination (Sam?) and everyone is yelling at her during the previews. She's so hot, so funny, but she doesn't seem stable at all (Sam.) and that's probably going to do her in. God damn it.

During eliminations, I thought for sure that Jessica and Roxy were gone. Neither had established themselves, and everyone else has been on Bret's lap or making out with him every night. I was half right. Roxy left, which pissed me off because she is so damn sexy and she seems like a great woman with a intelligent head on her shoulders. The other one to leave tonight WAS...

Angelique. Thank. You. God.

Next week, well, there IS NO ROCK OF LOVE II. Understandably, since a little game they're calling the "Super Bowl" is going on. I'm probably going to watch it, since I like football, and we all have to support the event because if we don't who knows if they'll bring it back next year?! Sarcasm dripping off of that last rant, btw. Show will be back in two weeks, people.

Cut: Angelique, Roxy.

Still Here: Megan, Jessica, Ambre, Catherine, Kristy Joe, Inna, Destiney, Daisy, Aubrey, Peyton.

Rock of Love II-Week 2

All new episode tonight; I had to TiVo it because I just HAD to see Favre lose, because as Gallagher Rule #1 goes: The team that a Gallagher roots for will always lose.

This week started off with Courtney finding out that she was kicked off the show, the morning after she passed out drunk on the couch downstairs. Hate to say it, but Courtney looked like she would have been great for the show. LOVE the breastaseses. With the drinking and the sluttiness, and the cans it makes me miss my ex ex.

Anyhow...after the ceremonial kicking out of Maria-er, Courtney, the girls have to put on a show for Bret. As the girls are getting ready, Sara (I'll get pics up later in the post) is overheard by Inna as saying that she only did the show as a dare, so Inna and Aubrey convene and decide to tell Bret what Inna had heard. Someone wrote a poem, Peyton planned on playing the drums, Sara belly-danced, and others tried to sing. When the time came to perform, however, it turned out that it was a strip show! Bret met them at the stripping booth in the basement (Was this in the rental house beforehand?) and besides Angelique (Spelling?) no one stripped down to the goods. Angelique had originally made a cake for Bret, then she ended up rubbing the cake on her breasts and eating it off of them...this is why the show has good ratings. Bret fell inlove with Kristey Joe when she...ironed his shirt, then when he wanted ANOTHER show of her, she took of her own shirt to reveal her red bra...QUICKLY turning into my second favorite, after Megan. Ambre wrapped herself up as a gift (apparently gift wrapping is her talent...not a joke; she said so), and she's easily the sweetheart of the show. The winners of the competition were Ambre, Peyton and Aubrey, with the only surprise that Inna hasn't killed anyone yet. Inna is sexy as hell, but she's this years Lacey (at least that's what the producers would like us to think) and she's a little too...well...big.




After the competition, the three remaining VIP's from the first episode (Daisy, Megan, and Destiney) went to bed since they were tired, and didn't want to party that night. Apparently this broke one of Bret's, ahem, "Bret's Rules of Rock and Roll Rules" (That's right) and Bret was f'n pissed. So the next day, they wake up and Bret confronts them about this, chastising the three and they sit home while Peyton, Aubrey and Ambre go on their date. The date is the four of them going to an ATV park (wtf?), where we find out that Ambre was in a relationship for 7 years that ended three years ago, and this makes her look better to Bret. Somehow, this is Ambre's best date ever. I'll repeat that how it seems: Ambre's best date in her life was an ATV trail with Bret Michaels and two strangers that she's never met before. Nice. By the way, the second I see them on the bikes I automatically flash back to last season, when Dallas just ate it falling off the bike at 40mph.

While the four of them are out blazing the trails, Megan, Daisy, and Destiney make a "We're Sorry" card for Bret and wait on the stairs for him to get home. Inna and Angelique see this and IMMEDIATELY dress up in their sluttiest outfits and sit on the chairs next to the stairway. The three other girls get pissed, move closer to the door, and this makes Inna and Frenchy move in front of them with the chairs. The five start to scream at one another, and Bret walks in and is instantly throwing into Inna's breasts, while still holding Ambre's hand. Bret asks Inna and Angelique to go wait in his room, where after looking at the card, he meets them and says that the next competition should be an "Old School Dancing Competition". Dumb, I know, but still funny results.

Only one girl the entire time could dance. Roxy did the funky chicken, and I can't believe I'm writing this, but she does a great funky chicken. Niki didn't even know how to do a fucking Robot, and all of the other dances (running man, Lawn Mower, FUCKING SPRINKLER) were all wrong and dumb. Kristey Joe did a half worm; my friend's fiance instantly labeled "the Seal". Bret liked the fact that at least her breasts were bouncing. Inna and Mr. French don't have to do the dances because the two of them and Bret are the judges. They chose Foxy and Destiney, who did the running man horribly but looked good doing it.

Elimination!!
At the beginning, I thought to myself "Where the fuck is Rodeo-er, Catherine?!" She didn't say one word the entire episode. This doesn't make me sad or happy, just a fact. Things start off with Bret trying to talk to Sara from across the room, Inna being a bitch and pulling a Lacey (interjecting herself into the conversation saying "sweetie" and garbage), and finally Bret calling Sara over. Sara said that she was dared in a sense that no one thought she would have enough self-esteem to go through with it, but Bret didn't care because he doesn't want ANY static this season, so he kicked her out. After her, the next two to go home tonight were Niki (Bye, Sammy) and Korie. Honestly, I didn't even know that Korie existed until this episode. They didn't even show her ass until right before the second competition. So, basically, who gives a shit, still too many girls on the show.




Niki, Korie and Sara=CUT

Still on the show:


Megan, Kristey Joe, Inna, Destiney



Daisy, Catherine, Angelique, Ambre




Aubry and Peyton.

My computer just deleted the pictures of Ambre and Destiney, but I will try my best to have them up tomorrow. However it is now 1:15 and I need some sleep. The pics will be up tomorrow!

Worst. Super Bowl. Ever.

Hate the Giants.
Hate the Patriots even more.
Will gladly wear a Giants jersey for this game though.


...Fuck Eli, though.

And Just For Shits and Giggles!

Take a peak at the right hand side, where it says RECENT Lupica articles. Just look at the titles...

The Lies Are Worst of All
Recording latest misfire from Rocket
Truth will set Rocket Free
Fed Up with the Rocket
When vacation ends, Roger Clemens' fight to save legacy begins
(crap)
Roger peddles Tour De Farce

That's not fabricated (except the "crap", but you wont notice) and they are written one after the other. If Clemens comes back to pitch for the Mets, does Lupica make a sound? No. Why would you even hang around to see what was the answer to that?

Oh Lupy, I Miss You So

http://www.nydailynews.com/sports/football/giants/2008/01/16/2008-01-16_feelgood_giants_make_city_proud.html

This is a story about the Giants, the New York Football Giants. Lets count the amount of times the Yankees are jabbed at in a friggin 1,000 word article.

I counted 4. You? Total Yankee references: 7.

It's gotten to the point where I'm skimping ahead in the article to see if it just abruptly ends with "Yankees."

Rock of Love II Run down

If you've ever wondered what happened to those rock stars from the 80s after their albums stopped selling, all you have to do switch to VH1!

Bret Michaels throws the fact that he's getting more ass than you could ever hope for in your face for yet another season of "Rock of Love", this time it's in a nicer house (Spanish villa!) with better looking women. The women on an average are better looking this time around, although there aren't any clear-cut winners for me such as Jes or Brandi M.
























My favorites at the start of the show: Kristey Joe, Eryka, Inna, Erin and Courtney.

COMPARISON TIME!!*&#!*):

This years Rodeo: Catherine
Catherine is 45, has two kids, and seems to feel that they have a special "bond" from the 14.3 seconds total they spent together. Rodeo is 37, has two kids, and felt that same bond as she first saw him ride up on the bike. The only place where Catherine falls short is that Rodeo is MUCH better looking.

This years Lacey: Destiney
Destiney made it a point in her personal conversation with Bret to tell him how huge a fan she was of him...like, a PSYCHO fan of his. She couldn't go two seconds without laughing at herself. This exchange gave us the quote of the night from Bret "Ah, Destiney, with her sweet cackling laugh."
On a side note: These girls have THE dumbest names I have ever heard, especially the variations of common ones. Destiney? Eryka? Jackye? Awful.

This years Heather: Megan
Let me state this: Megan is 100x hotter than Heather, doesn't have Heather's leather skin, and is probably going to be in the final four, is not win the whole thing. That being said...I can't get into her; I can't! She seems very...bleh. Great looking, good personality, but seems soulless, like a doll.

Just a reminder: Heather, Rodeo, and Lacey will be featured in episodes this year, and I fear for Bret's life when he stumbles into Lacey.

It was a slow first episode, as was to be expected since there were still too many girls there for you to start falling for any one of them. At the start of last season, Bret automatically eliminated five girls before they even set foot inside the house (Although Tiffany weaseled her way back in in the episode, and made 3 more episodes) and it was thought that he would do the same this time. At the beginning, Bret selected four girls who all thought their asses were grass, but instead he made them V.I.P.s, which meant that they all received special private time with Bret. This was made to be pointless since the lovely Inna kept jumping on Bret when she was soaking wet.

Since I'm not really feeling this episode (just like I wasn't feeling last years first episode before I became obsessed) and I have to write a real one for the Herald later, I'm going to cut it short and say that my girl, Erin was already eliminated. This was probably because she was exactly like Jes: young, impressionable, didn't know what she really wanted. Bret probably didn't want to go through the whole show again just to be kicked to the curb once more, so he just cut her off at the pass. It's a shame, though, because she was/is gorgeous.

Before I go, however, I will give my run down:

Sexiest: Kristey Joe/ Eryka
Ugliest: Daisy and Angelina (the French girl)
Funniest: Megan
Most like a Long Island girl: Jackye (gone)
Most beautiful: Erin (gone-was like Jes and Sam from last year)
Reminded me the most of an ex-Courtney (gone)
What the fuck? moment: tie- Courtney is passed out drunk on the couch, then the bed during eliminations, where she is thus let go; and the preview for "Over Her Dead Body" starring Eva Longoria-Parker. Worst. Movie. Ever.

Next week I'll actual run down who was eliminated and what happened, because the first episode is usually pointless for this.

Long Island, In A Nut Shell

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Mike Lupica: Hang Them Up

So, Mike, I know you're supposed to be "objective" in your writing, but you're not and you never have been, so lets throw that out the window. Also, I know you have a column, and you haven't done any real reporting since before I was born. That's why I was shocked to see that you actually called someone that wasn't your agent, and tried to do some of what I like to call "journalistic investigation". He apparently visits Richard Emery, who is representing Brian McNamee, at Emery's home, which is the first time Lupie's been off the soap box for quite some time. From here, Lupica tells us that Clemens is going to have to answer to Congress, and that McNamee is the one with nothing to lose. Where is he getting this info?. FROM EMERY, MCNAMEE'S LAWYER. So, Lupes, what else was Emery supposed to say? "Eh, Brian's full of crap. Clemens didn't do it." Fired.
Lupica isn't new to the Clemens bashing. He's never seemed to like Clemens (although Roger hasn't exactly opened up to Lupica, who craves the ass-kissing) and seems to have a new piece on him two out of the four Sunday pieces each month. In an earlier article, he compares Clemens to Floyd Landis, blatantly disregarding the fact that Landis failed drug tests. The truth seems to get in Lupica's way, so he usually just tosses it aside. If it's not about Lupica getting his say in, no matter what the truth is behind it, it's not worth it.
Lupica needs to be let go. He's still relatively young, I don't know one reader under 50 who can stand his column or his appearance on "Sports Reporters". Sadly, when you write an opinion column, you can't be corrected or fact checked except by the legal department, because how can an opinion of someone be wrong unless it's libel or slander? Lupica doesn't answer emails that tell him facts that just so happen to be left out of some of the pieces he puts out, and he is NEVER wrong (in his own mind) on television. His appearance on "Sports Reporters" is a joke. When Dick Schapp was running that show, Lupica just chatted away, being held in check along with Bob Ryan and Mitch Albom. Now, John Saunders can't even get a word in because Lupe interrupts all the pundits and their opinions. I always wanted Jayson Witlock to just bitch-slap the hell out of him. Unfortunately, according to Witlock, Lupe had him kicked OFF that show so we will never see that. How dare someone argue with THE Michael Schmiogal Lupica?!

Join the cause: http://www.enough-lupica.com/ A hilarious take on the midget that is Lupe Fiasco. He's already tried to tap into Bill Simmons soul (and we all died a little inside when Simmons starting writing his sentimental crap) and he'll just spread more unless he's stopped!

The Better Team Won

First off, congrats to LSU.

Second, can we POSSIBLY stop automatically throwing Ohio State into every championship game from here on out, until they actually BEAT someone? Is this too much? If it is, just tell me with a little bit of info to back up your point, that's all I ask. Michigan doesn't count jsut yet, although they did beat Florida and Dream-boat Tim Tebag.

This third one is for ESPN: Ohio State didn't "choke" this year. Last year, yes, they believed the hype too much and didn't show up. This year, however, anyone outside of Ohio (Or in my case, Kentucky) should have seen this coming. They had no business being #1 in the country, just like USC, Florida, or Missouri had in ending the regular season #1. Tell me where, oh where, in this schedule does it warrant Ohio State being #1 in the nation:

Youngstown State (W)
Akron (W)
@ Washington (W)
Northwestern (W)
@ Minnesota (W)
@ Purdue (W)
Kent State (W)
Michigan State (W)
@ Penn State (W)
Wisconsin (W)
Illinois (L)
Michigan (W)

So they beat over-rated Penn State and Wisconsin, and lost to an over-rated Illinois team. #1 BABY!!!!

Reason # 4,103 Why The World Is Done

http://www.switched.com/2008/01/07/coming-in-2008-baseball-scores-without-the-internet-or-tv-on-a/?ncid=NWS00010000000001

Why does eveyone hate reading? Pick up a damn newspaper.

Worst Bowl Season Ever About To End

This BCS championship season has been awful. The only solace I get from this is that I'm not the only one who thinks so. The best game so far has been the VT-Kansas game, followed by the Auburn-Clemson matchup. The biggest upset was Michigan over Florida, which makes me happy because everyone has finally removed their penises from Tebows rectum.

The last game is LSU (champ) versus Ohio State to determine who gets the fancy QVC championship glass decor. Honestly, how the fuck does Ohio State get into the championship game, seemingly every year? Who do they face? Michigan? The same Michigan that hasn't done shit in the past three years? Who else? Wisconsin? The Most Overated Team makes it's way down to New Orleans to get molested by the new Champs LSU, and the only reason I have to watch is that Jason Laurinaitis will be in a Jets uniform next year (Either him, McFadden or Long) and I have to do my duty and scout. He's an OSU linebacker, the only thing that area churns out more than drug dealers.

John's Final Score: LSU 4,810-OSU 21 (Gotta let the scrubs play)
Actual final score: LSU 35-OSU 24

American Gladiators: Pros and Cons

Well, the first episode of "The New American Gladiators" aired tonight, against the best show on TV (The Wire). Luckily I have that shit on DVR lockdown, so I could peruse this piece.

First off-Can the music. Awful, awful, awful. Second, Layla Ali has no business near a microphone. Hogan wasn't as bad, but he wasn't even asking questions before he shoved the mic into their faces. Example:

Hogan- "So, I hear you eat healthy and train hard for your skateboarding-"
(Hogan pushes mic into contestants face)
Contestant-"Yea, uh, well (garbage)"

Like the water under the jousters, better than the mats they had back in the old days. I'm almost certain that they're trying to pass off two men as "female" gladiators, however. Although I know that I'm going to fall inlove with Crush for the three episodes this show lasts. She's my new Jes (Just kidding, no one lives up to Jes, that's not fair).

Great start to the show: 3 minutes in a contestant breaks her ankle, followed by a GLADIATOR injuring his arm on the dumb ring race, and a contestant nearly getting into a fist fight with a Gladiator on the gauntlet. The highlight of the night, however, was during the first male event with the ball baskets, when with two seconds left on the clock the skateboarder gets speared by one of the galdiators, and from then on you knew he was baby poop.

One final note on this trainwreck: Get rid of Wolf. His gimmick is dumb, he screams after everything, he looks like a tired "Dog The Bounty Hunter" and he's obviously vying for a spot on the next "Big Brother" or something along those lines.

John's predictions for the show's life: 3-5 episodes
Actual lifespan: 15 years