Rock of Love II Run down

If you've ever wondered what happened to those rock stars from the 80s after their albums stopped selling, all you have to do switch to VH1!

Bret Michaels throws the fact that he's getting more ass than you could ever hope for in your face for yet another season of "Rock of Love", this time it's in a nicer house (Spanish villa!) with better looking women. The women on an average are better looking this time around, although there aren't any clear-cut winners for me such as Jes or Brandi M.
























My favorites at the start of the show: Kristey Joe, Eryka, Inna, Erin and Courtney.

COMPARISON TIME!!*&#!*):

This years Rodeo: Catherine
Catherine is 45, has two kids, and seems to feel that they have a special "bond" from the 14.3 seconds total they spent together. Rodeo is 37, has two kids, and felt that same bond as she first saw him ride up on the bike. The only place where Catherine falls short is that Rodeo is MUCH better looking.

This years Lacey: Destiney
Destiney made it a point in her personal conversation with Bret to tell him how huge a fan she was of him...like, a PSYCHO fan of his. She couldn't go two seconds without laughing at herself. This exchange gave us the quote of the night from Bret "Ah, Destiney, with her sweet cackling laugh."
On a side note: These girls have THE dumbest names I have ever heard, especially the variations of common ones. Destiney? Eryka? Jackye? Awful.

This years Heather: Megan
Let me state this: Megan is 100x hotter than Heather, doesn't have Heather's leather skin, and is probably going to be in the final four, is not win the whole thing. That being said...I can't get into her; I can't! She seems very...bleh. Great looking, good personality, but seems soulless, like a doll.

Just a reminder: Heather, Rodeo, and Lacey will be featured in episodes this year, and I fear for Bret's life when he stumbles into Lacey.

It was a slow first episode, as was to be expected since there were still too many girls there for you to start falling for any one of them. At the start of last season, Bret automatically eliminated five girls before they even set foot inside the house (Although Tiffany weaseled her way back in in the episode, and made 3 more episodes) and it was thought that he would do the same this time. At the beginning, Bret selected four girls who all thought their asses were grass, but instead he made them V.I.P.s, which meant that they all received special private time with Bret. This was made to be pointless since the lovely Inna kept jumping on Bret when she was soaking wet.

Since I'm not really feeling this episode (just like I wasn't feeling last years first episode before I became obsessed) and I have to write a real one for the Herald later, I'm going to cut it short and say that my girl, Erin was already eliminated. This was probably because she was exactly like Jes: young, impressionable, didn't know what she really wanted. Bret probably didn't want to go through the whole show again just to be kicked to the curb once more, so he just cut her off at the pass. It's a shame, though, because she was/is gorgeous.

Before I go, however, I will give my run down:

Sexiest: Kristey Joe/ Eryka
Ugliest: Daisy and Angelina (the French girl)
Funniest: Megan
Most like a Long Island girl: Jackye (gone)
Most beautiful: Erin (gone-was like Jes and Sam from last year)
Reminded me the most of an ex-Courtney (gone)
What the fuck? moment: tie- Courtney is passed out drunk on the couch, then the bed during eliminations, where she is thus let go; and the preview for "Over Her Dead Body" starring Eva Longoria-Parker. Worst. Movie. Ever.

Next week I'll actual run down who was eliminated and what happened, because the first episode is usually pointless for this.

Long Island, In A Nut Shell

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Mike Lupica: Hang Them Up

So, Mike, I know you're supposed to be "objective" in your writing, but you're not and you never have been, so lets throw that out the window. Also, I know you have a column, and you haven't done any real reporting since before I was born. That's why I was shocked to see that you actually called someone that wasn't your agent, and tried to do some of what I like to call "journalistic investigation". He apparently visits Richard Emery, who is representing Brian McNamee, at Emery's home, which is the first time Lupie's been off the soap box for quite some time. From here, Lupica tells us that Clemens is going to have to answer to Congress, and that McNamee is the one with nothing to lose. Where is he getting this info?. FROM EMERY, MCNAMEE'S LAWYER. So, Lupes, what else was Emery supposed to say? "Eh, Brian's full of crap. Clemens didn't do it." Fired.
Lupica isn't new to the Clemens bashing. He's never seemed to like Clemens (although Roger hasn't exactly opened up to Lupica, who craves the ass-kissing) and seems to have a new piece on him two out of the four Sunday pieces each month. In an earlier article, he compares Clemens to Floyd Landis, blatantly disregarding the fact that Landis failed drug tests. The truth seems to get in Lupica's way, so he usually just tosses it aside. If it's not about Lupica getting his say in, no matter what the truth is behind it, it's not worth it.
Lupica needs to be let go. He's still relatively young, I don't know one reader under 50 who can stand his column or his appearance on "Sports Reporters". Sadly, when you write an opinion column, you can't be corrected or fact checked except by the legal department, because how can an opinion of someone be wrong unless it's libel or slander? Lupica doesn't answer emails that tell him facts that just so happen to be left out of some of the pieces he puts out, and he is NEVER wrong (in his own mind) on television. His appearance on "Sports Reporters" is a joke. When Dick Schapp was running that show, Lupica just chatted away, being held in check along with Bob Ryan and Mitch Albom. Now, John Saunders can't even get a word in because Lupe interrupts all the pundits and their opinions. I always wanted Jayson Witlock to just bitch-slap the hell out of him. Unfortunately, according to Witlock, Lupe had him kicked OFF that show so we will never see that. How dare someone argue with THE Michael Schmiogal Lupica?!

Join the cause: http://www.enough-lupica.com/ A hilarious take on the midget that is Lupe Fiasco. He's already tried to tap into Bill Simmons soul (and we all died a little inside when Simmons starting writing his sentimental crap) and he'll just spread more unless he's stopped!

The Better Team Won

First off, congrats to LSU.

Second, can we POSSIBLY stop automatically throwing Ohio State into every championship game from here on out, until they actually BEAT someone? Is this too much? If it is, just tell me with a little bit of info to back up your point, that's all I ask. Michigan doesn't count jsut yet, although they did beat Florida and Dream-boat Tim Tebag.

This third one is for ESPN: Ohio State didn't "choke" this year. Last year, yes, they believed the hype too much and didn't show up. This year, however, anyone outside of Ohio (Or in my case, Kentucky) should have seen this coming. They had no business being #1 in the country, just like USC, Florida, or Missouri had in ending the regular season #1. Tell me where, oh where, in this schedule does it warrant Ohio State being #1 in the nation:

Youngstown State (W)
Akron (W)
@ Washington (W)
Northwestern (W)
@ Minnesota (W)
@ Purdue (W)
Kent State (W)
Michigan State (W)
@ Penn State (W)
Wisconsin (W)
Illinois (L)
Michigan (W)

So they beat over-rated Penn State and Wisconsin, and lost to an over-rated Illinois team. #1 BABY!!!!

Reason # 4,103 Why The World Is Done

http://www.switched.com/2008/01/07/coming-in-2008-baseball-scores-without-the-internet-or-tv-on-a/?ncid=NWS00010000000001

Why does eveyone hate reading? Pick up a damn newspaper.

Worst Bowl Season Ever About To End

This BCS championship season has been awful. The only solace I get from this is that I'm not the only one who thinks so. The best game so far has been the VT-Kansas game, followed by the Auburn-Clemson matchup. The biggest upset was Michigan over Florida, which makes me happy because everyone has finally removed their penises from Tebows rectum.

The last game is LSU (champ) versus Ohio State to determine who gets the fancy QVC championship glass decor. Honestly, how the fuck does Ohio State get into the championship game, seemingly every year? Who do they face? Michigan? The same Michigan that hasn't done shit in the past three years? Who else? Wisconsin? The Most Overated Team makes it's way down to New Orleans to get molested by the new Champs LSU, and the only reason I have to watch is that Jason Laurinaitis will be in a Jets uniform next year (Either him, McFadden or Long) and I have to do my duty and scout. He's an OSU linebacker, the only thing that area churns out more than drug dealers.

John's Final Score: LSU 4,810-OSU 21 (Gotta let the scrubs play)
Actual final score: LSU 35-OSU 24

American Gladiators: Pros and Cons

Well, the first episode of "The New American Gladiators" aired tonight, against the best show on TV (The Wire). Luckily I have that shit on DVR lockdown, so I could peruse this piece.

First off-Can the music. Awful, awful, awful. Second, Layla Ali has no business near a microphone. Hogan wasn't as bad, but he wasn't even asking questions before he shoved the mic into their faces. Example:

Hogan- "So, I hear you eat healthy and train hard for your skateboarding-"
(Hogan pushes mic into contestants face)
Contestant-"Yea, uh, well (garbage)"

Like the water under the jousters, better than the mats they had back in the old days. I'm almost certain that they're trying to pass off two men as "female" gladiators, however. Although I know that I'm going to fall inlove with Crush for the three episodes this show lasts. She's my new Jes (Just kidding, no one lives up to Jes, that's not fair).

Great start to the show: 3 minutes in a contestant breaks her ankle, followed by a GLADIATOR injuring his arm on the dumb ring race, and a contestant nearly getting into a fist fight with a Gladiator on the gauntlet. The highlight of the night, however, was during the first male event with the ball baskets, when with two seconds left on the clock the skateboarder gets speared by one of the galdiators, and from then on you knew he was baby poop.

One final note on this trainwreck: Get rid of Wolf. His gimmick is dumb, he screams after everything, he looks like a tired "Dog The Bounty Hunter" and he's obviously vying for a spot on the next "Big Brother" or something along those lines.

John's predictions for the show's life: 3-5 episodes
Actual lifespan: 15 years